"Now the only way you're going to achieve all this is if you stay on schedule."

(EW)

"To do something that's never been done, that they say can't  be done, that they can't do -- don't  you  see?"

(DB)

12-Step JDOCD Program

1) Admitting your problem is the first step in overcoming this affliction.

2) Acknowledge that you are powerless over Johnny Depp and that he has taken over your life.

3) Remove all things related to Johnny Depp from your home, workplace and vehicle....this includes your wallet, clothing, and that secret stash of photos that you have taped behind the bathroom mirror.

4) If you feel the overwhelming urge to watch one of 'his' movies, try to go for a walk or call a fellow recovering JDOCD'er for support (If you can find one.  Much like the mythical phoenix -- we've all heard about them, but no one's ever actually seen a real-life 'former' Johnny Depp fan).

5) Ask your family and friends for assistance.  After all, it was probably their constant badgering and nagging that brought you to the 12-step program in the first place.

6) Affirmations --  repeat these affirmations once in the morning and once in the evening...

     a)  Allow me to be frank at the commencement.  I will not like him now and I will like him a good deal less as we go on.    

     b)  Willy Wonka's really gross.  Willy Wonka I hate the most.

     c)  There IS no Ichabod Crane, there never WAS an Ichabod Crane, there never WILL be an Ichabod Crane.

     d)  Ain't no Mort here.  Mort's dead.

     e)  What do you say to three shillings and we forget the name?

7. Immersion in alternative entertainment. You might try to cultivate an interest in...say...Sylvester Stallone. Watch all of the "Rocky" movies in sequence. We do not advocate the "Lord of the Rings" series, as you will be exposed to Orlando Bloom as Legolas, which will remind you of Will Turner, which will remind you of Jack Sparrow, which will...well, you get the picture.

8. Fill every spare moment of your time with activity.  We recommend that you take up a hobby!  While woodworking, ceramics, scrapbooking and sand painting are all fine hobbies, you'll need something more indepth ... something more intellectually absorbing to keep all thoughts of JD from re-entering your consciousness.   Nuclear fission reactors, quantum physics, deep-sea exploration or any of the molecular sciences (for example...proteomics or bioinformatics) are good, solid activities that are sure to keep any thoughts of Johnny wearing his black jeans and long-sleeved, white button-up shirt from....  *sigh*    Hmmmm?   Ummm.  Yeah.  Let's move on shall we?

9. Relocation. Removing yourself from any environment where there is the slightest chance of coming into contact with anything Depp-related will take away any and all temptation, and will help you to remain Depp-free.  We suggest the Galapagos Islands.  There you will most certainly never have to worry about any JD reminders cropping up to...???  Wait!  Galapagos?  Aren't they famous for those giant tortoises?  And aren't tortoises related to the sea turtle?   And didn't Jack use sea turtles to escape from the god-forsaken spit of land he was marooned on?   No, not good.

Let's go someplace else, shall we?  How about Spain!?  Beautiful romantic Spain!  Oh, and Spanish!!  One of the romance languages.  Yes!  A country brimming with passion and the allure of the latin lover.   Whoopsss!!!  No, not Spain!  Leave Spain....FAST!!!

AND while we're at it....*grabs pencil*.... we'll just cross Mexico off the list too.

Let's try this.  Let's envision your dream vacation spot.  Where would you go?  Hawaii?  Tahiti?  Someplace warm, right?  Beautiful flowers.  Gentle soothing breezes.  Waves.  Beaches.  Warm sands....SANDS!!!  Sheldon!!  Black jeans!!  Oh my...!!!! 

*grabs glass of ice water and presses it to forehead*  Just give me a second to regroup my thoughts, please. 

There doesn't seem to be a single place on this planet that you can go to escape reminders of ....."you - know - who".

Your only chance to succeed at this, would be to take the next space shuttle off this rock and live the rest of your life floating around the galaxy in search of new planets and N.E.O.'s and black holes and.....???  Ummm.   Galaxy + space shuttle = astronaut = Spencer !!!    GEEZ!!!

THINK!!!  There's got to be something!!! 

*sigh*

OOOoohhh!!!  I've got it !!  The perfect place.  Lots of lights!!! Lots of activity!  Constant hubbub 24 hours a day!!!  No way you'll think of Johnny in LAS VEGAS!!!  Yes!!!  *jumps up and does snoopy dan.....* ???? ... EGAD!!! .... WHAT AM I SAYING !!!???? 

Sorry, momentary memory block.   Let's try again.

Hey!  Take up the study of Ancient Egypt!   No danger there.   Let's see .... Hieroglyphics  >  the Rosetta Stone  >  the Nile  >  Cleopatra  >  Marc Antony  >  Rome  >  Julius Caesar  >  CESAR !!!!   OH NO!!!!

Okay, okay!!!  I'm going to freak right out!!  I know we can do it.  This is NOT impossible!!! 

I've got it !   Learn about 18th-century French authors ! YES !!   How about Voltaire ??   Safe enough, n'est çe pas ??!!   Born in France  >  Humanist  >  Imprisoned in the Bastille  >  Famous works include 'Histoire De Charles XII';  'Candide';  'La Mort de César'.   MORT!!!!   *gasp*   AND CESAR!!!   AAGGGGH!!! 

MERDE!!!

You know what?  We don't have to study French authors.  How about just reading poetry?  What a relaxing and lovely way to spend an evening.  And there's so much wonderful literature out there, especially from the English poets.  For instance there's Elizabeth Browning, John Keats, Charlotte Brontë, William Blake and John Wilmo.... *stifles scream*

Alright.  How about taking up an apprenticeship?   No matter how old you are, it's never too late to start something new.   You could go to Louisiana and study under the chef, Paul Prudhomme.  He's famous for his Cajun cooking....gumbo, shrimp creole, etc.  And he always starts those dishes by making a roux, from flour and butter ....   roux?  *whimper*  Roux! 

Help me Lord!!! 

MUSIC ?!?!?  *internal mental monologue* -- "Rock? (nope)      British? = The Stones = Keith Richards (nope)    Mexican? = Antonio (nope)      European? = Taraf de Haidouks (nope)      French? = Vanessa (nope)      Pianos? = oooo...that sexy picture (No!)       Guitars? = Roux & Antonio & Keith & that other picture & Vanessa (NO!!)" 

Okay FORGET MUSIC!!  GAWD!!!!  

Let's go back over to Europe.  There's lots of fun things to learn about over there.   You could maybe become a student under Michel Cluizel.   Michel Cluizel !   You know -- the famous French chocolatier????  !!!!    *stunned pause*    !%$#$!!!   !@^**@@!!!   @#$%!@* !!!    Now that's just wrong on so many levels.   I can't even begin to count all the connections to Johnny Depp with that one.   Scrap it.

*massages temples with fingertips*  Oh God, my head hurts!!!

*huge defeated sigh*   Okay, you know what?  We give up!  It can't be done!  Never mind the 12-Step program.  Yeah, forget it.  Just ... never mind.   Move on.


L. Griffin / N. Sorenson