National Institute of Cultural Evaluation
Internal Memo – Top Secret – Do Not Distribute
From: Paul Showalter, Director, NICE
Regarding: JDOCD
Doctor Raoul H. Thompson reported today that one of our researchers, Dr. Diana Mickler and her assistant, Elizabeth Turner are missing. As you know Dr. Mickler was assigned last September to research and report on JDOCD, a mysterious disorder we have been hearing rumors about, but have been unable to verify. Dr. Mickler was given the assignment due to her exemplary history with the Institute, the thoroughness of her research, and the meticulous attention to detail in her reports.
Upon entering Dr. Mickler’s office, Dr. Thompson found the following items: 4 dictated tapes labeled JDOCD, an empty bottle of rum, and an expense voucher for $2,478.36 worth of items purchased from Amazon.com and eBay with her credit card. The voucher requests that the funds be directly deposited into Dr. Mickler’s checking account.
I am enclosing the translated copies of the tapes with this report. I warn you this is disturbing information and should be treated with the greatest of confidentiality. It is uncertain at this time where Dr. Mickler and Miss Turner are, or in what condition.
There will be a meeting Thursday at 2:30pm to discuss what actions the Institute should take in this matter, if any.
Tape 1
DR. MICKLER: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - In OCD, it is as though the brain gets stuck on a particular thought or urge and just can't let go. People with OCD often say the symptoms feel like a case of mental hiccups that won't go away. It is not the fault or the result of a "weak" or unstable personality. OCD usually involves having both obsessions and compulsions, though a person with OCD may sometimes have only one or the other. [1]
DR. MICKLER: JD – Johnny Depp – Actor - Initially known as a teen idol thanks to his role on 21 Jump Street and pretty-boy looks. Johnny Depp survived the perils of adolescent heartthrob status to earn a reputation as a respected adult actor. His solid performances in a number of critically acclaimed films, have allowed Depp to carve a niche for himself as a serious, if idiosyncratic performer, a real-life role that has continuously surprised critics intent on writing him off. [2]
E. TURNER: Johnny Depp – one hot hunk of wonder. Oops, supposed to be scientific here, Male, Caucasian/Indian, 5’10”, usually dark brown hair but sometimes he dyes blonde streaks in it or just dyes it blond, sometimes it is long, once he was bald for that movie but I really didn’t like that look…oh yeah, sorry…amazing cheekbones, brown eyes, perfect lips, 12 tattoos, size 10 shoe, his second toe is longer than his big toe, and you know what that means?
DR. MICKLER: I don’t suppose you know his inseam length? (spoken sarcastically)
E. TURNER: Not yet.
Tape 2
DR. MICKLER: You may have noted that my research assistant, Elizabeth Turner, appears to have full-blown JDOCD. After initial debates, I decided to keep her on as a guide through this project. She was the one who put me on track to what the initials JD meant and her experience with the disorder will provide valuable information.
DR. MICKLER: First to diagnose JDOCD was Dr. Laura, T.C.O. from Canada. She wrote the definitive first paper on the subject after noting a sharp increase in the number of cases beginning July 2003. Since then, numbers have been growing exponentially with no end to the epidemic in sight. The growth in cases appears to be tied to a Johnny Depp movie called Pirates of the Caribbean.
E. TURNER: Totally hot movie! You just have to see it to believe it! I will take you. It is still playing at the dollar theater downtown at 1:00pm, 4:00pm and 8:00pm. It could be a good idea to see it twice to get the real feel for it. You have to see it on the big screen first. Then watch the DVD.
DR. MICKLER: Yes, yes, we will do that when we begin the research phase of this project. Right now we are in planning and preparation. What I would like from you, Elizabeth, is a list of Mr. Depp’s movies, biographies, interviews, and any other information you deem pertinent.
E. TURNER: Whoa, we are going to have a Deppfest!?! How cool is that!
DR. MICKLER: I also need some idea of where I can find avid Johnny Depp fans so I can study the phenomenon.
E. TURNER: Ho, ho, Porch ho’s and Pit Wits. Not a problem. I will take you to the Zone.
Tape 3
DR. MICKLER: Notes and Observations: I spent considerable time reading posts at the Johnny Depp Zone. This is one of many internet web sites where JD addicts hang out. They have discussed JDOCD at great length and seem proud of the fact that they are astute enough to fully appreciate Mr. Depp. In fact there have been times when the ladies there participated in games of one-up-manship as to who had the disorder worst. The following are actual examples of behavior attested to on the Zone:
Compulsive downloading of every known picture of Johnny Depp resulting in over an hour’s viewing on their screensavers. All pictures are arranged by theme, expression, over-all color, movie, or chronological order.
Possessing clothing relating to pirates, Johnny Depp, or the Viper Room. (Note to self – have Elizabeth order me one of those beanies.)
Resistance to any pressure to try to change, insisting there is nothing wrong with them, they like it this way, or they do have a life.
Nine of ten websites listed on “favorites” list are there because they are either dedicated to Johnny, contain a poll with Johnny in them, or have screen caps of one of his movies.
Risk jobs, friendships, and in extreme cases, even their families to slake their desire to see more of Johnny.
Forcing others to watch Johnny’s movies until they “understand.”
Know the entire dialogue to POTC and carry on POTC conversations with others as if it was real.
Severe anxiety over whether the VCR is functioning properly and recording Depp interviews while at work. Check recording the instant upon arrival at home, before removing coat or dropping purse.
Frequently get caught by family members watching Depp movies or Zoning. (Porch Ho is an inside term for mature Zoners who frequent the Porch)
Tape TV appearances of Johnny twice..for no reason other than to have two copies of it.
Clean the ceilings while standing on a sliding chair, vacuum the bed, cook grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron, and mash potatoes with a tennis racket.
Tape 4
DR. MICKLER: This disorder appears to be no respecter of persons, age, sex (though the majority of cases available for study are female), marital status, or income group. Anyone can be affected. It is unclear however, why some people are susceptible and others are not.
DR. MICKLER: There appear to be three phases to the disorder: 1. Obsession – Initial Onset; 2. Compulsion – Discovery Phase; and 3. Disordered – Take Her Out of the Oven, She’s Cooked. The first two phases continue throughout the entire disorder.
At initial onset, primary symptoms to be observed are: intense desire to repeat the initiating contact (i.e. multiple viewing of the event that first brought JD to your attention), glazed eyes, drooling, and the need to keep repeating sentences where the words Johnny, hot, fit, fine, amazing, etc., appear frequently. The first phase is the only one where any type of cure has been found. Dr. Gandalf Grayhelm has reported a 25% success rate by placing his patients on a program of repeated exposure to the extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. However, even this rate of success is questionable (see reports on Orlando Bloom Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.)
(Tape pauses)
E. TURNER: Excuse me, Dr. Mickler, we need to go if we are going to catch the next showing of Pirates.
DR. MICKLER: Just a minute, part-time poet, ACK, and Deep are discussing that hot Captain Jack Sparrow.
ED: I knew I shouldn’t have let you into the Pit. Well I don’t suppose it matters if we are late. We’ve seen it, what, six times in the last two weeks?
(Tape pauses)
DR. MICKLER: Phase two, discovery, the subject becomes obsessed with acquiring anything related to Johnny Depp. This includes his movies, biographies, magazine articles, tapes of interviews, etc. Basically, anything that will teach them more about the man and/or his craft becomes a necessity. Failure to locate any of said items can result in severe emotional trauma.
(Tape pauses)
DR. MICKLER: I have to have The Brave. What do you mean it isn’t released in the United States? This is the UNITED STATES!!! We have everything here. I don’t want to hear we can’t get it, And what is the deal with Cry Baby and Arizona Dream? VHS? I don’t even have a VHS player. Why aren’t they on DVD yet?
E. TURNER: Okay, I can get The Brave on eBay. Give me your credit card. As to Cry Baby and Arizona Dream, you can come to my place and watch them on my VCR. Just calm down, they will be DVD’d eventually. I promise.
DR. MICKLER: Oh and Elizabeth, can you contact Entertainment Weekly and see how we order back copies of the year end magazine. I see on the Zone that they had six of those hot Johnny black and white pictures in that edition. Better order four copies while you are at it. Okay, off you go then. And let me know how that turns out.
(Tape pauses)
DR. MICKLER: Phase 3, cooked, is reached when the subject accepts that she has JDOCD and is content with it. She still doesn’t understand what happened or how it happened, but no longer worries over the situation. She is also quite adept at discussing or quoting any movie Mr. Depp has made and will do so at great length given the least provocation. At this stage she goes beyond just studying JD and his movies into researching areas in which he has expressed an interest. This includes following his recommendations for books, movies, music, plays, etc. It appears a side benefit of the disorder is that many of the subjects have opened themselves up to exploring their own creativity. They have become more confident and certainly more interesting individuals. As such, most who reach Phase 3 have no desire to be cured.
E. TURNER: Cure? We don’t need no stinkin’ cure.
DR. MICKLER: What say you we blow this scurvy outfit and go find ourselves a libertine? What say you to that?
E. TURNER: Show me that horizon. Drink up me hearty’s , yo ho.
[1] Obsessive Compulsive Foundation
[2] Entertainment.msn.com
Reprinted with permission of V. Speakman (Shadow)