National Institute of Cultural Evaluation
From: Dr. Paul Showalter, Director, NICE
To: Dr. Diana Mickler
Diana,
What the HELL happened? You were assigned the project of determining what JDOCD was and reporting the symptoms and progression of the disorder, and the next thing I know you have been apprehended on a movie set in London and the authorities are requesting your deportation to the United States.
Dr. Frank Fishbine, head of the Pendleton facility has, based on your own research, diagnosed you as having Phase 3 Johnny Depp Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (JDOCD). Are you pulling his leg or what? This is so completely unlike you. Your work for the institute has always been outstanding, controlled, and dependable.
I have known you for 15 years and do not understand this. If you are joking, it has gone on long enough. But I want a complete explanation, as I wouldn’t have expected this kind of humor to be in your nature.
Paul Showalter
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January 21, 2004
Hi Paul,
Yeah, isn’t it a shocker? Oh, and thanks for the bailout and the tickets back to the States. Even if it was to this godforsaken spit of land you call Pendleton.
We had made the trip to England originally to pick up the Ed Wood DVD as they pulled its availability here in the states. I know, I know, we could have just ordered it from Amazon.uk.com, but where’s the fun in that? Plus we figured we could take the Ripper tour, and maybe head north to see if we could find where they filmed Sleepy Hollow. After that we planned to pop over to Paris, purchase the European version of Arizona Dream on DVD, and also roam around the French countryside. So the trip was to be a combination of research, exploration, and acquisition.
As to the arrest, my aide, Elizabeth, found out from a distant cousin of her aunt’s nephew twice removed where Mr. Depp was supposed to be filming The Libertine. Well, how could we pass that up, mate? Since he wasn’t due on the set yet we figured that nobody would mind us taking a peek around. Not true. Bloody pirates had us locked in the brig and booted across the pond. (Actually, the bobbies were quite polite, considering. I suspect we were expelled due to Miss Turner’s challenge to sword fight the authorities. That girl sure knows how to brandish a blade! And, I think they were seeing visions of Kill Bill!)
Getting arrested was a new experience for me, and actually quite interesting. The devil of it is though, we didn’t get a chance to get either of the movies we were after. And I had bought an all-region DVD player just for them.
I have a few questions. First, what is my status here? Am I a research administrator for this project, a subject of the study, or a patient at this facility? Dr. Fishbone, Fishbrine, Fishy, no, no, no, I will have to call him Dr. Frank. (Anything else is simply too ludicrous.) Anyway, Dr. Frank is acting like I am going to infect the entire staff or worse. (The guy is a bit of a stick, isn’t he?) I would like to continue with this study and believe I can carry forth the objectives as required by the Institute. I am also willing to work with someone who does not have the disorder, if needed, to a limited extent.
However, I will not permit you or the Institute to treat me as a patient. I neither need nor desire a cure, and am not willing to submit myself to experimental cures or treatments.
Second, is Miss Turner to be allowed to remain my assistant? Dr. Frank is making gobbling noises about shipping her off to another location. She has been an able aide in my research and I have learned to work around her quirks. So, I would appreciate being able to retain her services.
Third, is there a problem with having my effects shipped to me? Dr. Frank has been evasive about this each time he is questioned regarding the subject. I believe he thinks that denying me access to my research materials will bring about a quick cure. If so, his evaluation is entirely inaccurate. I still retain my ability to recoup any lost materials, so denial is a short-term solution, at best. And, if the Institute gives me too much difficulty over the issue, I will simply submit my resignation and leave.
Fourth, how long do you anticipate we will remain stationed in this location? Secret Windows is due to open on March 12 and the local, one-screen theater doesn’t plan to show it in the foreseeable future. If I am to remain here, I will require leave to visit a larger city for long enough to get enough screenings to keep me going till it hits the local cinema.
As to the change in me, the study of JDOCD brought home a few truths about my own life. As in, I wasn’t really living it and I certainly wasn’t enjoying it. But I am now. I still haven’t figured out how I caught the disorder, but am so glad I did. Maybe a person just gets it when they really need it. I don’t know.
Tell Patricia “hello” for me and that I hope to have lunch with her again next time I am in New York.
Diana Mickler
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January 26, 2004
Diana,
First, you were sent to the Pendleton facility, as we weren’t certain what we were dealing with. The circumstances of your disappearance and recovery were bizarre and completely out of character for you. Given the general lucidity of your last e-mail to me, I am fairly certain you will be reassigned back here in New York shortly. Since that is the case, your things will remain here until you return.
Second, Dr. Heather Hallcamp has requested that Ms. Turner be assigned to her and this has been approved. Dr. Hallcamp is studying groups diagnosed with schizophrenia, autism, and dyslexia and their compatibility. She also enjoys sword fighting as a hobby.
Third, when you come back to the New York facility you will be working with Dr. Michael Brasco, who assures me that he does not have JDOCD, and is unlikely to develop it. You will be working as equal partners on the project.
We would like a more concise report from you as to how you caught JDOCD. The tapes you left were informative but we would appreciate a narrative on your own case. We can’t assess the degree of concern we should have regarding the disorder without a better understanding of what we are dealing with.
Finally, Patricia sent the following message to you (she made me write it down so it would be verbatim) – Are you still standing? If so, I know a lovely place here that serves the best puerco pilbil. It is to die for. Can you dig it? - She said you would understand. Sometimes I wonder about my wife.
Paul Showalter
Director, NICE
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February 6, 2004
To: Dr. Paul Showalter, Director, NICE
From: Dr. Diana Mickler
Hi Paul,
Well, I submitted my official report regarding my JDOCD to the Institute. The basics of the report are this:
I first saw Johnny Depp (other than in general news and movie reports over the years, to which I had paid scant attention) in his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. The character was completely fascinating and I felt compelled to watch him repeatedly to attempt to understand exactly who he was. I am still working on this (and enjoying it thoroughly I might add.) Then I had to see the rest of Mr. Depp’s movies to see if Captain Sparrow was built on his other roles. To my amazement, he wasn’t. In fact, each person Mr. Depp had created was complete unto himself. I believed totally in each character and it wasn’t ever simply seeing Johnny Depp being this person. I then watched several interviews with Mr. Depp and found him to be a different person than any of the performances I had seen. It blew me away. The man is the most talented actor I have ever observed. I then read the biographies and articles written about him. He is also one of the most interesting people I have run across. I then started reading the books that he claims influenced him and those he likes. All this has broadened my horizons, helped me to find my sense of humor, given me a desire for adventure, and put some joy in my life. For that I will be eternally grateful to Mr. Johnny Depp. Oh and it doesn’t hurt that he is so completely wonderful to look at and watch.
So I hope that helps in your evaluation and you can spring me from this, the lowest circle of hell, before the key runs off.
I have read many of Dr. Brasco’s reports and look forward to working with him. It should be interesting, very interesting.
It was with some sorrow that I bid good-by to my aide, Elizabeth. She has spoken with Dr. Hallcamp and is looking forward to working with her on the project. Shades of Joon and Sam. And Sam is one of her favorites. She is also eager to improve her sword work with the good doctor.
Tell Patricia that, for now, Pendleton is my beat and I’m walking it. I am living la vida loca. And when I get to New York and we go out for that puerco pilbil, we will park her car out back, savvy?
Diana
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February 10, 2004
From: Dr. Paul Showalter, Director NICE
To: Dr. Diana Mickler
Diana,
What is up with you and Patricia? When I gave her your message she laughed hysterically. But she won’t explain what it means.
Your reassignment papers are being processed.
Paul Showalter
Director, NICE
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February 12, 2004
To: Dr. Paul Showalter, Director NICE
From: Diana Mickler
Paul,
I have received the paperwork reassigning me back to New York by February 17. I will be back on the 16th. First I have to fly down to Tampa for an interactive on the 14th and 15th.
Thanks,
Diana
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February 13, 2004
From: Dr. Paul Showalter, Director NICE
To: Diana Mickler
Diana,
What a coincidence. Patricia left this morning for Tampa for some sort of convention this weekend. Maybe you will run into her.
Paul Showalter
Director, NICE
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Author’s note: Dr. Laura(tco) first coined the term JDOCD. She is also the LHA Laura who mans the Pirates of the Caribbean interactive program and tries to control the riotous crew there. For more information and a lot of fun see the site at www.potcinteractive.com
Reprinted with permission of V. Speakman