JDOCD Versus The Sports Fan
Here we come to the question of 'Why should any man -- anywhere -- tolerate his wife's obsession with Johnny Depp?"
Let's look at the similarities between JDOCD and the husband's love of sports, shall we?
1) BASIC INSTINCTUAL REACTIONS
-- Does the husband leap off the couch and scream when his team scores a touchdown or hits a home run?
-- Does the wife leap off the couch and scream when she sees that Johnny will be interviewed on Good Morning America?
2) The 'COLLECTOR / GATHERER'
-- Does the husband collect any of the following: baseball cards, sports memorabilia, stadium tickets; DVD's of "Football's Greatest Moments", autographed golfballs?
-- Does the wife collect any of the following: movie posters, jeans dangles or a Che Guevara shirt, movie ticket stubs; DVD's of all Johnny's movies; autographed JD pictures?
3) The 'SPENDTHRIFT'
-- Will the husband pay any amount of money for 'ringside' seats at his favourite sporting event?
-- Will the wife pay any amount of money for an ebay item that involves Johnny Depp?
4) The 'TRAVELLER'
-- Will the husband travel anywhere, with his buddies, to go see the World Series, the Super Bowl, the World Cup, or a PGA tournament?
-- Will the wife travel anywhere, with her friends, to attend a premiere where Johnny is going to be?
5) The 'FASHIONPLATE'
-- Does the husband wear a t-shirt / pullover with his favourite team's name or player number emblazoned across the front?
-- Does the wife wear a t-shirt / pullover with her favourite Johnny character emblazoned across the front?
6) The 'RECORD KEEPER'
-- Does the husband tape/record every game? Every sports highlight? Every play-by-play replay? And does he keep those tapes carefully preserved on a shelf, so that he can grab one and watch it whenever the mood strikes?
-- Does the wife tape/record every entertainment show, morning news program, every late night talk show that has an interview with Johnny? And does she keep those tapes carefully preserved on a shelf, so that she can grab one and watch it whenever the mood strikes?
7) The 'DREAMER'
-- Does the husband dream of someday meeting his sports 'hero' -- Phil Mickelson (golf); Ben Roethlisberger (football); David Beckam (football in the UK a.k.a. soccer in the US?) or Kobe Bryant (basketball)? (Do I live with a sports fanatic???)
-- Does the wife dream of someday meeting Johnny Depp?
8) THE 'EQUIPMENT'
-- How many pieces of sporting goods does the husband own? Be sure to include ALL sports -- golf, fishing, baseball, snorkeling, football, soccer, basketball, boating, biking, hockey, weights, billiards, tennis, archery, parachuting, lacrosse, channel surfing, badminton, cricket, curling, scuba gear, skis (both water and snow), rock climbing, bowling, horseshoes, lawn croquet, ATV's, wave runners and snowmobiles. (Whether he actually uses the equipment or not, is irrelevant.)
-- How many VCR's, DVD players (particularly "all-region" DVD players) and computers equipped with DVD & CD ROM accessories does the wife own?
Compare the total relative cost of both. Chances are, the cost of the sports gear far exceeds that of the wife's electronic equipment.
We all know that wives have 'tolerated' their husbands' obsession with sports for years (the football widow? the hockey widow?) and have always smiled and nodded at how cute men are when they go ballistic over their favourite team.
We indulge you and your friends as you overtake our clean homes in order to cheer your team on to victory. We prepare all sorts of snacks for you and your friends to enjoy and we patiently clean up the messy house, after the friends leave.
Likewise, husbands now have the opportunity to show the same loving tolerance towards their wife's obsession. Smile indulgently at your wife as she rants on for the 100th time about how much she loved Johnny the best in "insert name of movie here".
Patiently wait for five minutes (or 20 minutes -- whatever) while she finishes chatting online with her fellow sufferer about Johnny's latest movie trailer.
We all have innocent fantasies and while the husband's fantasy may be to someday score the winning goal and the wife's fantasy may be to someday meet Johnny Depp, both are harmless and should in no way interfere with the love the couple has for each other.
L. Griffin